Trail of Guilt

No, that is not a trail of toilet paper. Those are receipts from my shopping spree today. The guilt I am referring to is not so much related to the spending that I did, but that Zane spent 8 hours at the Child Development Center on post while I carried out the spending. I have had this day planned for a few days now and at first I felt guilty for not feeling more guilty about leaving him behind. Then, by last night, I felt guilty about leaving him behind. When I dropped him off this morning he didn't make things any easier on me. Needless to say, I headed down towards Austin (Cedar Park, actually) and got in about 5 hours of "kid-free" shopping. The shopping without Zane was everything I had hoped it would be. I could make as many stops as I wanted without the hassle of buckling him in and out of the car seat, not messing with the stroller and not having to rush through a store because his good mood may be just about over. Factor in zero diaper changes, bathroom breaks for myself without keeping him from touching the toilets and only one mouth to feed, made for a great day. Now if you ask Abe, he would probably tell you that having Zane with me could have kept our bank account a little more secure and a little less deflated. But let me tell you what I accomplished. Zane is pretty much set until next winter, to include clothes, socks, shoes and pajamas. I am pretty much set for the year, as well. The only thing I did not get today that I still need are tennis shoes. I have Abe's birthday shopping done. I picked up a few things for Zane's room and some hand soap at Bath and Body Works. I also enjoyed a 15 minute chair massage; a Chinese technique called Tui Na. It was good, although painful at times. Apparently I have lots of knots in my shoulders and at the base of my skull. When she was working on those I was practically cringing. She used everything from her fingertips to her elbows and I was a happy customer. It was a great day, but don't get me wrong, I missed Zane. And the experience made me realize how fortunate I am to be able to stay at home with him. I did not like the fact that we left right after breakfast and got home just before dinner and had not seen each other all that time. I don't know how working Moms can do that, and for 5 days in a row. It can't be easy on them. Zane did well at the CDC, at least they didn't have any horror stories for me. He was playing outside with the other children when I picked him up. He cried when I left him and cried when I returned. And not a "I don't want to go, yet, Mommy" kind of cry but a "oh Mommy, where have you been, how could you leave me here". But I asked the caregiver if he cried at all for me during the day and she said no, he has been happy all day. Deep down I know breaks like this are good for each of us. It gives me a chance to rejuvenate myself and gives him a chance to interact and socialize with children his own age.