I was talking to a girlfriend of mine the other day and she shared a story about her son that I would like to open up for discussion (with her permission, of course). I will change their names to protect their privacy. If she chooses to chime in and reveal who she is, then by all means.
She has two boys, Dylan, age 3 (nearly 4) and Trevor, age 1. She had them at Walmart the other day and all she needed to grab was milk. Dylan had a quarter and chose to spend it on a gumball. Before making it to the checkout counter with their two gallons of milk, Dylan began demanding a toy car. Shelly (the Mom) told him no, you have your gumball, you don't need a toy every time we come to the store. Dylan proceeded to throw himself on the floor and have an all out kicking and screaming tantrum right there in the middle of the store. Let me add that this is not normal behavior for Dylan. I'm guessing it's the first such incident of this nature that he has ever displayed. He wouldn't let up despite Shelly's best efforts.
An elderly man walked by and told Dylan, "you better straighten up and respect your Momma". Dylan looked right at him and said "you're not the boss of me, you can't tell me what to do". Shelly was in tears at this point. She left the milk behind and was able to scoop Dylan into the cart, all the while he was still kicking and screaming. She made it out to the car with the boys and drove to a nearby church parking lot. She stopped the car, handed Dylan his blanket and cup and said get out of my car. If this is the way you are going to behave then you need to get out and find yourself another Mommy and family. He got out (not sure if he did so immediately on his own, or if she had to "help" him out) and she began to slowly drive away. Of course, she never intended to leave him there, and I want to make that perfectly clear. He began to run after the car. With that her point was made and they all went home.
Dylan woke up the next morning and the first thing he said, without any prompting from anyone was something to the effect of "I'm going to be a good boy, I don't want to find another Mommy". He had a great day at school, better than usual, and was wonderful to his Mommy after school. I haven't talked to her since.
Now when she was telling me the story, I could still feel her humiliation. She even said she had done "the worst thing ever". I think she was still second guessing her reaction to the situation. I initially thought "we all have our not-so-proud moments as parents". I was also a little shocked because A) I would have never expected her to do something so seemingly drastic and B) I had never thought of that tactic before.
But after a few hours had gone by and I had pondered it a little longer, I began thinking "is it actually a not-so-proud moment or is it a really good idea?" Perhaps that is exactly what Dylan needed in order to get the message that it is not okay to behave that way. Some people would have resorted to spanking (not that I'm against that) and some would have caved and given in to his demands (I am against that). But in this case would spanking have done the trick? And doesn't caving in just tell kids that it's okay to throw a fit? If you kick and scream long enough you will get what you want.
I'm thinking and for Shelly's sake, very hopeful that her one very stern threat of abandonment may have nipped this sort of behavior right in the bud. Shelly is a great mother and her boys are very well behaved. I don't want them to come across as a bunch of misfits because that is not the case at all. I just wanted to share, so that you could chime in with your thoughts. What would you have done? Did Shelly go too far? Or is society in a way, forcing parents to be too soft on their kids? Does society have anything to do with it? Would this have even been discussion material 20 years ago?
I'll tell you what would have happened to me if I did this as a little girl. If nothing else my Mom tried worked, I would have gotten "the belt". That means my father would have spanked my behind with the very leather belt he wore around his waist. Usually just the threat of "the belt" was enough to make me straighten up.
Now if it were to happen today with Zane. I would probably have threatened him with a spanking because yes, in extreme cases I have spanked him and I am not ashamed of that. I can't remember the last time I had to spank him though. Usually just the threat of a spanking corrects his behavior. Had it failed in this case, I would have hauled him out of the store and driven home. I would have lectured him the entire way about how disappointed I was in him and how that is not appropriate behavior. When we got home I would have made him sit in his room for a while and his privileges the rest of the day would be very limited. But after hearing Shelly's story, I just may give her tactic a try, if it ever happens to me.
4 comments:
I always take two stances on things like this. The work-me says to totally ignore the behavior, buy the milk, put the kid in the car and go home. Tantrums tend to happen when kids are tired, hungry, or otherwise frustrated. After a tantrum, mom should talk to the child (a child that age can understand consequences/ talking about right and wrong) and make sure the child knows that is unacceptable and ask why the outburst occured in the first place. The little answers can be surprising.
As for the leaving behind (and threats of spanking), I'm supposed to say that you should never threaten your child with anything negative. You may dole out disciplinary action (timeouts, grounding, spanking if you use it) when it is justified but you should never threaten punishment. This teaches the child that you are inconsistant, and there is always a chance that they can do something wrong and all they will get is a threat.
I liken this to hangovers. We drink too much, knowing that we may or we may not get hungover the next day. It's a crap shoot. We know there may be a consequence but then again, we may get off scot free.
But, I don't always practice what I preach. It is so frustrating and embarassing to have a tantruming child, especially one that disrespects another adult. We feel that it is a reflection on our ability as a parent.
My mom did this leaving behind thing a few times, and it certainly scared me straight for a few days. Then I went right back to being a brat.
If I were Shelly, I would have still bought the milk because I hate going out and I probably wouldn't have shown my face in public again for awhile. Threats and such work, I'm finding that out now- "Jacob do you need a time out?" is oft heard. But, all I get is a kid who yells "NO" and runs away to misbehave somewhere else.
Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do to keep our sanity and make our kids mind us. Sometimes we need to act out that "I wish you were never even born" fantasy that we keep locked deep in our brains in order to feel better and then realize how much we love our child and are so glad they are born that we can't handle it.
Dylan is not going to be permanently scarred by this and he probably won't hate his mom or have abandonment issues when he grows up. There is a lot of unnecessary guilt in parenting and Shelly is probably carrying an unnecessary burden. Dylan is probably past it, and will surely give her another reason to feel guilty by year's end!
My mom did it with us and on a couple of occasions (we were a bit older though) left our butts behind. I have to say, we are all here and okay. My sister was a champ at rolling around on the floor (we called it her african dance) because of the jolts of movements she would make and my mom used to get mad and yell, then she learned to laugh...so we'd all stand around and laugh at my sister, they didn't last long after that. I think you have to do what is in your best interest w/out doing major harm to the child of course. Well, we had fun last night and look forward to the next time.
Anything short of permanent mental/psychological damage or physical abuse (spankings not included), anything a parent uses to discipline their child or get them to correct their behavior is fair game. I like to refer to it as "creative parenting". I've never had to resort to the "abandonment in the church parking lot" tactic but I have passed in front of a few adoption agencies. I've found that when Gabe has tried to pitch a fit, ignoring him or sending him to the bathroom until he is done because "nobody wants to be around you when you act like that" has worked. I do agree with you that giving in to bad behavior only reinforces the effectiveness of that behavior in the mind of the child. Doing this will neither help you nor the child in the long term. Until next time...let the beatings commence!
Oh boy, can I relate!!! Jonathan and Micah may be all right now, but they had their moments!!! They would both try to stand their ground when it was time to leave somewhere. We would just say, "OK, well, we'll miss you. Sorry you can't come home with us!" They would hoot and hollar that they wanted to come home and then cry because they were afraid of being left. We always had time to tell them later that we weren't leaving them, they were choosing not to come with us.
At the end of the day, though, you are their parent for a reason. You are given the gift of knowing what to do with your special little one. Not only is every family different, but every child. Micah received far more spankings than Jonathan, simply because spankings were completely ineffective with him. But put him in a time-out chair, watching the minutes count down on the microwave, or make him go to his room until he could "behave like a human being"... WOW!!!
I think Shelly was very resourceful and intuitive. She handled her son in a way that was effective.
A family friend of ours, a single mom, was having difficulties with her 3 children and eventually took them all to family counseling. After a bit, the counselor excused the kids from the room and then told the mom that her parenting was ineffective because her tactics were too soft and she lacked follow through. The counselor then gave her this advice:
If your punishment does not draw them to tears, it is not harsh enough. Now this may have been particular to her situation, but I have seen it be true for our kids. If they aren't actually sad at whatever punishment they've received, the message seems to not get through.
So, no Shelly, you are not a bad mom and I can prove it. Your son not only didn't sustain any bruising, he's still alive ;) Not only that, but his behavior, across the board, improved. I say you used your brain and effectively sent a message that will stick for awhile. Good job!
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